Tell Me Your Sneakers, I’ll Tell You Who You Ar..t
It is widely acknowledged that one's choice of footwear reveals more about one's preferences than one may intend to disclose. Also widely acknowledged: how annoyingly predictable you (we) are. On that account— I feel compelled by duty to hand out tailored art prescriptions based on your oh-so-very-original sneaker taste.
Salomon XT-6
As a fashion and design connoisseur, you were once the pioneer of gorpcore-chic well before EmRata and Bella Hadid threw the French sneaker into the mainstream.
Yours is a life devoted to the restless pursuit of the newest trend, only to count the days until it rises in popularity among Adidas Samba devotees. Trendsetting must be exhausting.
To aid in your recovery, I prescribe a dose of Archie Boon. His dynamic splatters will infuse that m̶a̶n̶i̶a̶c̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ functionally designed Scandinavian sanctuary of yours with an electrifying, contrasting punch, lifting your spirits as you reminisce about the days when the masses still despised Birkenstock clogs.
And fear not, the orange Le Creuset set will maintain its rightful protagonist status in the kitchen.
2. New Balance MR 530
70% ASOS and 30% Prada: both the credit card expenditure and overarching persona of those found carrying paper-wrapped tulips tucked under the arm like a fresh baguette. Not infrequently caught capturing content for their 70K Instagram followers.
The subject in question embodies a somewhat aspiring Parisian yet not exactly groundbreaking aesthetic of croissants on white marble tables and copious amounts of Diptyque.
Their take on the New Balance MR 530 is only complete with sporty ankle-length socks, Lululemon leggings, and a baseball cap —masterfully accomplishing that straight-out-of-pilates celebrity allure.
Once those tulips find a suitable resting place beside the Tom Ford coffee table book, I recommend some Richard Zinon. His thick brushstrokes converge into abstract graphics reminiscent of Japanese calligraphy, and will gracefully complement your cherished off-white Pierre Paulin boucle sofa.
It is time for your Seated Nude poster by Henri Matisse to receive a companion. Or an upgrade.
3. On Running Cloud
In consideration of your busy schedule— regardless of whether you identify as
a digital age creature of the tech-bro kind;
a middle-aged padel enthusiast of the species boomer-dad;
or perhaps a disciple of the reformer pilates faith, more commonly known as athleisure mommy
It is my uncalled-for professional opinion that you suffer from a rare case of Chill deficiency.
Interestingly, if you're sporting On Running, there's a strong likelihood that you already are an Art Basel aficionado; probably even with an art advisor of your own. Since time is the one luxury you are not blessed with, I urgently prescribe a collection of Poli Pieratti artworks. Originally from Brasilia and based in Sao Paulo, Pieratti's paintings offer a dreamy yet tangible escape; a hangable garden of Eden in the form of semi-figurative flowing landscapes. A pastel delight worth a thousand benzodiazepines!
There are indeed worse crimes than faking one's BMI to obtain an Ozempic prescription. Among them is possessing bad art while having the means to acquire great art. And you, my dear, are under arrest.
4. Reebok Club C85
Behold this creature of distinct straight-outta-Eton flair ( or outta any Swiss or German boarding school for that matter). Those legendary 80s kicks are for the 'Streetonian' a subtle hint of Street amidst the overall backdrop of preppy that otherwise defines this wardrobe. The Streetonian staple is worn with equal dedication at raves in Brixton on Fridays or post-hunt on Sundays.
While there are reasonably high chances that you may soon inherit a fair few Flemish pieces and ancestral portraits, there's ample time for artistic indulgence. Should you seek to go absolutely wild and invigorate those Georgian-era furnishings with a dash of contemporary, I'll prescribe Harlem-based artist Kevin Claiborne. His collage series Fragmentation offers a vibrant and socially engaged alternative to the intimidating looks of your third great-grandfather.
As another option, for those hesitant to stray from tradition, allow me to introduce Preslav Kostov. Kostov's work is as avant-garde, as it is a nod to the classics. His entangling figures are supercharged with that timeless elegance of old masters, but blend tradition with a pinch of hot irreverence.
5. Adidas Gazelle x Gucci
The individual who gravitates towards the Adidas Gazelle x Gucci shows an inclination for the luxury-branded, immediately recognisable, and exorbitantly priced. Their possessions likely include SMEG x Dolce & Gabbana kitchen appliances, alongside a framed black & white portrait of Kate Moss . Perhaps even accompanied by a Damien Hirst kaleidoscopic butterfly print—but this is only for cases of exceptionally bad taste.
Allow me to come to the rescue, and introduce Jack Coulter. Coulter can, quite literally, hear colour and see sound. He makes of a condition called synesthesia his superpower, channelling music into painting his kaleidoscopic version of the world. With a solo exhibition at Sotheby's and rumours suggesting that Elton John counts among his collectors, would you consider such credentials suitably glamorous for your taste?
That Audrey Hepburn Breakfast at Tiffany's poster from your early twenties is something we have neither forgotten nor forgiven.
6. Veja
A staple among the fashionably bored (finance) bros. The Friday-to-Sunday attire is about offsetting existential guilt and indulging in those post-capitalist daydreams. While eco-conscious footwear may offer a superficial sense of redemption, I'm afraid true liberation lies only in the acquisition of artwork by Jo Dennis. Dennis is a British artist renowned for her innovative use of upcycled materials such as repurposed military tents, where pre-existing features and textures lead the way for her abstract insinuations of landscape.
Also— an infinitely preferable pickup line than droning on about your sporadic dubious DJ gigs.
7. All Black Adidas Stan Smith
Those favouring this type of footwear are likely artists themselves, and the shoes possibly paint-stained already.
Time to cease procrastination and commence creative endeavours. Get out of here and get to work!
